Friday the 13th.....what a day
Imagine this, you spend your whole life working for ONE goal and one day you are told, because of cancer that ONE thing you always wanted will NEVER happen.
I've literally worked with kids and babies over half of my life, took care of other parents babies, taught them how to sleep thru the night, put them to bed (along with every other mother duty needed), even became a teacher to be surrounded by them all day because all I ever wanted and was excited for, when the time was right, was to be pregnant, become a mom, and have my own babies.
Friday the 13th, I was told this was no longer a possibility...0% in fact. After doing my first 6 rounds of chemo I still had OK odds. Then have cancer come back and another round of chemo and that pretty much did it. If I have to have a stem cell transplant that solidifies the zero. Other options if the transplant isn't the go to option anymore have the same results. Actually, I was told I am more than likely already at 0% fertility given what my body has been thru because of cancer. So ya, there's that.
Before that fun appointment, I had an appt in the morning to see my oncology PA, she had to do my bi weekly check in and show me how to inject my own shots the next couple weeks for my white blood count. Can't sound much lovelier than that! I had been progressively feeling worse each day so I was already pretty much gone. Because of scheduling issues at the office, I ended up having to go back in to the oncologist at 3 (right after the stem cell appt) to get my last chemo of the week and finally get the 24 hour iv/pump detached from me. I felt horrible but I never complain. The longer I sat there during chemo the worse my pain got. I knew since it was Friday afternoon if I was going to get any sort of prescription help now was the time. Mind-you, it literally takes a horse pill to do anything to my body so the previous pain meds they had given me had never worked and another reason why I never asked....but this pain was tough. So, long story short, my drs nurse came to look at me and talk to me and what hadn't worked in the past etc. She then called morphine in for me (which will be brought up again at the hospital fun). Spoiler alert, the morphine didn't do a darn thing either.
Fast Forward to the Following Thursday...
As I mentioned earlier, my pain and issues were getting worse by the day (actually minute) and I literally couldn't move, breath, or stay awake. My oncologist was going to keep an eye on me and my levels and I'd be back Thursday for my next regular biweekly appt. My goal was to make it to Thursday. Not sure how pain-wise I did but we got there. Well, I was physically there but still couldn't breath, hurt all over, and was just having a rough time. My blood counts didn't come back pretty, which is what I was expecting given my current feeling of death. Apparently they were worse than I thought because both my drs said to go straight to the ER. Now a lot of you were confused why a dr couldn't just emit me to the hospital. Here is why the ER route was what I needed:
-how bad I was I would get immediate help
-I'd get every scan my dr wanted within hours which isn't the case other than the ER
-I'd immediately get hooked up to fluids and anything else needed
-ER emitted me into the ICU (or ICM, whatever Seton calls it, the step under ICU) and pretty sure my dr cant do that, nor that quickly if could
I got an echo, ekg, chest xray, more blood work, and a ct scan done. The most imporant was the CT, this scan not only showed the new round of chemo wasnt working, but that my cancer was basically just laughing at it and had deciced to GROW instead of minimize....this being why I was feeling so bad the last few weeks.
So I went in for a routine oncology appt and ended up in ICU. That was Thursday....its now Monday and I'm still here.. and told I will be for a few days. My white blood count is literally nonexistent, my heart rate is ridiculous, and my blood pressure is laughable. Thankfully in the last few days they have gotten my blood pressure better, the other two not-so-much. So until either of those show improvement, I'll be living at the Seton Luxury Hotel.
"You either get bitter or you get better. It's that simple. You either take what's been dealt to you and allow it to make you a better person, or you allow it to tear you down. The choice does not belong to fate, it belongs to you."